...maybe more like a bungee jump

I'm probably still on the first downward plummet...or have I reached the nadir and been jerked back the other way, falling up?

It's amazing how I can go from feeling relatively fine, to having the sensation of ashes in my mouth, to screaming rage, to a void of grief. At least I'm trying to take better care of myself...if you count smoking too many cloves and not really eating as "taking better care". I'm culling--things I should have given to charity years ago. Five giant garbage bags and counting. At least a shelf's worth of big books. Some of them quite lovely. Maybe I'll give the storybooks to friends.

And all the while it still doesn't seem real. Finding notes from just weeks ago that say "I love you", thinking back to Friday night when he asked about where I thought we should store the air conditioner for the winter...I think that's seared itself into my brain as the emblem of how weird and and sudden and *wrong* this all is.

But I guess it wasn't sudden--not really. But it really was. Unhappiness, spells of feeling down--that's normal. But to think someone's down and so you give them space until they need to talk, as always, and then they become more and more withdrawn, and then you find out they've been mindfucking someone else? ...and can't even contemplate being with you at all because someone else is more "in synch" with them, and they have a lot in common? WTF????

I can't be out, I can't be at the apartment, I can't be in my own skin. I wonder if being able to float like a balloon would help...or would I just float away? Right now, I feel as though there's no firm ground to stand on.