Tuesday, May 05, 2009

my life is a dark pit of darkness

I can feel my hormones asserting themselves for their occasional orgy of the insane. I will fight to remain logical—fight as hard as I can—but I can feel the paranoia sneaking in. And the despair. Oh, the despair. Dark pit of darkness, indeed. Anne Gwish knew well of what she spoke. It’s like watching a black tide rising around me, closing above my head, and while I’m aware of it, it’s hard—so hard—to refuse that negativity.

In a way, it’s akin to the sensation of being drunk—my observer-mind (that little core piece of you that remains compos mentis throughout) is there and functioning, but can’t assert itself enough to really affect what’s going on. At least this time I feel a little more together—but still. There’s a lot to overwhelm me if I let it. Dammit. I do. not. want. to let it. In fact, perhaps I'll experiment and turn it on itself and see what happens...

Another analogy that’s just come to me is that of a prisoner (my rational mind) in a cell, guarded by a raging, paranoid fundamentalist (my emotions, hopped up on a deadly hormonal/biochemical cocktail). It’s well-nigh impossible to reason with it; it parses every nuance of every exchange, every thought (which I’m wont to do anyway), but logic just does not factor into the equation.

So if anyone has an exchange with a more-manic-than-usual, raving lunatic wearing my guise, please excuse me as best you can.

I’ll see you on the other side.

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