These are only half-formed thoughts, but I’m pensive enough about them that I thought they were worth committing to the ether.
I’m different from your average person (whatever that means). I mean, yes, we’re all unique, but I do believe that, in our outward presentation at least, some of us are more unique than others, whether by accident or design.
Maybe it’s like vectors: We have common vectors—shared points of personality, belief, behaviour, interest, pop culture norms, etc.—but some of us share more of those common vectors than others. And some of us join up with only a few of the more common ones, but have whole separate constellations of vectors besides, that reach off into space, completely apart from the familiar points. We’ll all have our own vectors, of course, but maybe some of us have more than others.
Sometimes I think I have whole solar systems that stand alone. I despaired—despair, sometimes—of ever finding anyone whose vectors overlap sufficiently with my own…or whose are even visible from my own constellation with a telescope...or who’s able to see enough of mine via their own telescope to actually see me.
…but this doesn’t mean that I should limit myself & just go with someone because they are, for a time, all that’s there. That’s where I was at earlier this year. Despair can make us do stupid, damaging things. I was in danger of gracing someone with my presence who, when it comes down to it, has little if any interest in me, in my mind, my feelings, or my life. To them, I’m nothing but a shooting star with a nice tail that they still are firmly confident that they can catch. They can’t and don’t want to see that I’m much more than a sparkly comet.
And yet I was considering the pretence of being nothing more than a chunk of rock, burning out and disintegrating, because my despair at being recognised as anything more was that great, that all-encompassing.
Thanks to some deeply welcome perspective from a few sources, I’m now spreading out again into my vectors, inhabiting more of my constellations, contemplating the exploration of parts of my star systems that, until now, I’ve ignored. And recognising, once again, the vectors that I do share with others out there in the universe, whether they’re physically here or out there in the ether.
Ultimately, this is a personal equation to which I hold the ultimate solution (insofar as there is one!), but I’m so grateful for those that have contributed—and do contribute—to the calculations.
Thank you, from the ends of my earth.